


Take My Hand (Take My Whole Life Too)

by NotesFromSarah



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Love Confessions, One Shot, Romance, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:40:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29113914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotesFromSarah/pseuds/NotesFromSarah
Summary: “Never let somebody pin you down.” This is Kanan’s personal philosophy, but sometimes someone comes along and you realize being grounded isn’t that bad after all. Kanan/Hera. Set pre-Star Wars: Rebels. One-shot. Canon compliant. A Valentine’s Day fic.
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	Take My Hand (Take My Whole Life Too)

Kanan paced back and forth in the cargo bay, Chopper bumping along at his heels. He stroked the small patch of hair on his chin thoughtfully and tried to suppress a curse each time he turned around and almost tripped over Chop. The droid didn't try to suppress its curses and let Kanan know what it thought every time he accidentally kicked the robot. It aggravated Kanan because he was here trying to figure out a solution to his problem, and Chopper was constantly distracting him.

It had taken him a lot longer to figure out than it probably should have, but he didn't have a lot of experience in this area. He'd known he liked Hera from the get-go, after all she was smart, confident and brave. It was when it went from just liking her to feeling a lot more that things started to get complicated. He didn't know what to do.

A person with a more conventional background might just talk to her, make his feelings known and let the chips fall where they may. Kanan was absolutely not going to do that. Actually, he didn't want to feel this way at all – for a lot of reasons.

If he admitted that he was in love with Hera it could jeopardize their friendship and their work relationship. He could imagine how awkward it would be if she didn't feel similarly, and he wasn't sure that she did.

If he admitted that he was in love with Hera she might say that she loved him too. And what then? He'd made it a habit in his life to not stay one place for too long. To not get stuck anywhere. To keep free and keep moving. Being in love kept you tied down and he couldn't afford to be trapped.

If he admitted that he was in love with Hera that would mean that he really had abandoned the Order. He really was no longer a Jedi if he loved her. Love was an attachment, and attachments were dangerous, wasn't that what he was always taught? Jedi didn't have attachments, but loving Hera meant he did. Meant he wasn't really a Jedi anymore. He didn't know if he was ready for that.

Maybe it would be better if he just pretended everything was normal. He could do that.

Hera appeared at the top of the ladder to the cargo bay. "Kanan, can you help me out in the cockpit for a second?"

"Sure," said Kanan as he tripped over Chopper for what seemed like the tenth time. Giving the droid a glare he climbed the ladder and followed Hera into the cockpit.

Hera pointed to the panels behind the second row of seats. These covered _Ghost's_ computers and shield array. "I need to get into those panels, our shields took a beating in our last adventure and I'm pretty sure there's been some carbon scoring in there. I want to get it cleaned up, but I need you to climb up there," she pointed to the top of the panel where a variety of switches and levers were displayed, "and disconnect the power supply."

Kanan nodded. "Got it." Clambering up the back of the second seat he balanced there awkwardly and popped open the panel. Glancing around he found the fuse that controlled the power supply to the array Hera wanted to clean and unhooked it. "There you go." He held the fuse between his fingers, he might as well stay up here since he was going to have to put it back in just a minute.

Hera looked up at him and smiled appreciatively. "You're much better at this than Chop. Last time he pulled out half the wrong fuses and I ended up rewiring everything for the next week." Hera leaned forward and began unscrewing various plates so she could access the array and its related parts.

"You know me," said Kanan, "way more helpful than a droid." The moment he said it he regretted it. It sounded so dumb.

"Sure are," said Hera as she found what she was looking for. Taking a small wire brush she attacked the scoring with some special cleaning fluid.

Kanan grimaced. At least she didn't seem to mind his incredibly stupid remark. It wasn't even funny.

"You know, sometimes I don't know what I'd do without you," Hera continued, still focused on her task. "You've really made a big difference."

Kanan looked down at her, his face unexpectedly burning. "I have?"

"Of course." Hera looked up at him. Her fantastic green eyes sending a jolt of warmth through him. "We do a lot of good work together, it wouldn't be possible without you."

"Yeah, of course, our work." Kanan was trying to ignore the fluttering sensation in his chest.

Hera gave him a swift smile then went back to her scrubbing. "We've done so much more together then we ever could have apart."

"Yeah, it's been great." Kanan nodded. She was only talking about what they did, not them. He needed to stop being so silly.

"I'm glad you like it," said Hera as she pocketed her wire brush and pulled a cleaning cloth from her jumpsuit. Wiping the cloth over the scrubbed areas she removed all the excess cleaning fluid. "When we first met I wasn't so sure about you. I didn't know if you'd stick around."

When they'd first met, Kanan hadn't known if he'd stick around either. There were times that he still didn't know. Sometimes he'd think to himself _I can leave any time I want_. "Really?" was all he said.

Hera folded the cloth so the dirty part was on the inside and tucked it back into her pocket. Picking up her screwdriver again she went about refastening the panel. "Really. You seemed like a drifter, I didn't know how long you'd want to drift in my direction."

Trying to sound casual he said, "Well I like your direction." Another stupid remark. Apparently his tongue was intent on sabotaging him today.

Hera looked up at him, seemingly immune to his idiotic comments. "Do you?"

Kanan tried to make it better. "I mean, your direction is a nice one to drift in." He internally cringed. "It's got a nice view," he added. That was even worse. Maybe he should just shut up.

Hera raised an eyebrow. "And what does the view look like?"

He tried he best to salvage the situation. "Nothing."

"Nothing?" Hera sounded somewhere between slightly insulted and amused.

"Well, not nothing," Kanan rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. "I suppose it's really nice," Kanan said before rushing to add, "not that I'm looking." This was going from bad to worse faster than he could keep track of. "What I really mean to say is-"

Hera suppressed a smile. "Kanan," she said as she reached out and put a hand on his leg, "I-"

Her words were cut short. Kanan had not been expecting physical contact like that and had panicked. In an attempt to move back from her touch he jerked his leg off the seat altogether and lost his balance. Vainly, he grabbed hold of the panel underneath the one he'd just opened, but it gave way instantly. Kanan, still holding tight to the fuse he'd just detached, tumbled down from his perch in an undignified heap. Electricity sparked and the smell of burning plastic filled the room.

Hera had managed to jump clear of the small disaster. "Kanan!" she said, clambering over the seat Kanan had just fallen from. "Are you alright?"

Kanan sat up rubbing his head. If he'd thought he was embarrassed before it was nothing compared to how he felt now. "I'm okay." Looking over the damage he'd caused he sucked in a breath. "Sorry about that."

Hera looked at the mess herself. Half of another panel had been dislodged and a spill of wires were protruding. "We'll just have to spend tomorrow fixing it." Looking back to Kanan she held out a hand. "That fall did a number on your head, we should get you cleaned up." Just then the panel let out another spark and a small fire began in the midst of the wires.

Shouting something about saving the day, Chopper rushed forward to spray the broken wires with its fire extinguisher, rolling over Kanan's hand in the process.

Kanan shot the droid a dirty look and shook his crushed fingers. Gingerly dabbed his forehead and temple area, he felt the familiar trickle of blood from a laceration. Great. Why was he such an idiot. Taking Hera's hand she pulled him to his feet.

Hera took him to sit at the table and sent Chopper for the medical kit. "I didn't mean to scare you like that." Taking a clean, damp cloth she washed the blood and dirt from his forehead.

"Scare me? You didn't scare me," Kanan said without thinking.

"Then why did you jump like that?" Hera stood back from him, a quizzical expression on her face. Chopper returned with the medical kit and waved it around as if he'd done something heroic. Hera accepted the med kit from Chopper and opened it on the table.

"Oh, uh," Kanan's mind raced to come up with something less stupid than _I didn't expect you to touch me and I panicked_. "There was a spark of static electricity and it took me off guard." He knew it was a lame excuse, if there'd been static electricity wouldn't she have felt it as well? Shouldn't he have just said it was a spark from the wire he was holding?

Hera looked up from the med kit. "Oh, okay, I guess I just didn't feel it then." Hera leaned back over him and began dabbing a bacta paste on his wound.

Kanan breathed a sigh of relief, then gave a small yelp as the paste started to go to work. It had a warm stinging sensation that he hadn't been entirely prepared for. He had been completely preoccupied by Hera's proximity and forgot what she was doing.

"Sorry," said Hera as she finished patching up his head. "There, good as new."

"Thanks," said Kanan. He felt like the biggest fool in the galaxy right now.

Hera stood back again and put a hand under his chin and tilted his head to observe her work under the lights. "You can hardly tell there's a hole in your head."

Kanan laughed but he could feel himself blushing from her touch. He put a hand to his head as if to run it through his hair, except he couldn't because his hair was tied back. It was an unconscious gesture of discomfort he'd done since his padwan days. "I appreciate you patching me up."

Hera smiled at him, dropping his chin and putting away the bacta cream. "I need you in good shape if you're going to help me repair all that wiring tomorrow."

"Oh yeah, that." Another rush of embarrassment flooded him. "Just call me when you need me."

"I will," she promised.

* * *

The wiring took longer to put together than it had to accidentally take apart, but fortunately Kanan managed to help Hera get it working again without inciting another small disaster. In fact, it had been almost three days since he'd made an obvious fool of himself in front of Hera and he hoped it was the beginning of a streak.

Except, there was a new problem. Over the last few days since he'd really started admitting to himself that he had feelings for Hera he'd begun to wonder if she just might have feelings for him too. The thought made him surprisingly nervous.

Feelings or no, however, Kanan was in a bit of a situation. He knew he'd been acting really weird over the last few days and Hera had definitely noticed. He had to do something and he didn't like the prospect. He _really_ didn't want to humiliate himself in front of Hera. Again.

Laying on his bunk, trying and failing to get to sleep, he went around and around in his head about his feelings, the possibility of her feelings, and what that might mean for him as a fugitive. He didn't want to ruin their friendship. He really didn't want to limit his freedom. Most of all he didn't want to sever one of the last connections he had with the life he had before. He had a lot to loose.

He wondered what his master would have told him to do in this situation. Somehow he just couldn't imagine her having any advice for him. Should he continue in the way he'd been raised? It didn't really matter anymore. He wasn't a Jedi anymore. The Code didn't mean anything to anyone anymore. It shouldn't be this complicated.

Still, the thought of abandoning that one secret aspect of his life, of severing that one secret link he had to his old life, was painful in a way he didn't fully anticipate.

He shook his head vigorously to rid himself of those haunted thoughts. _Kanan_ , he told himself, _you are getting way ahead of yourself. You don't even know if she likes you yet and you're getting all dramatic about leaving the Code behind._ He took in deep breath. He knew what he had to do.

Rising, he left his room.

Crossing the hall he tapped on the door. He hoped it wasn't too late. Hera didn't particularly like having her sleep interrupted unless there was an emergency, and while this felt kind of like an emergency to him he doubted Hera would see it that way. He thought about going back to his room but it was too late, he'd already knocked on the door. He had to face the music. Chopper opened the door, fussing at Kanan with its usual foul temper.

"I know, I know, but I want to speak to Hera." Kanan held up his hands in a placating gesture.

Chop jabbed one of its little hands at Kanan and scolded him.

"Chop? What is it?" Hera's voice came from her bunk, she definitely sounded like she'd been all the way asleep. Kanan felt a little bad about waking her.

"It's me Hera," said Kanan. "Sorry to wake you up, I just needed to talk to you about something."

Hera got up and came to the door, rubbing sleep from her eyes. "Is everything okay? Is something wrong?"

"No, it's nothing like that." Kanan suddenly felt very stupid again. His hand found the back of his neck as he tried to spit out his thought before he chickened out. "I wanted to talk to you about us."

Chopper came over to the doorway and complained to Hera noisily.

Hera shot the droid a frown. "Chop, I need to talk to Kanan right now, why don't you go check the cockpit and make sure everything is okay."

Chop fussed.

"Go." Hera pointed out the door. Chopper left the room sulkily.

Hera looked back at Kanan, then she motioned him to come into her room. She didn't say anything as she sat on her bunk and invited him to do likewise. She sat down cross legged so she could face him and Kanan did the same.

Kanan took a deep breath, his face burning again. The dim light from the hallway was the only thing illuminating them, he hoped it was dim enough that Hera couldn't see his blush. He could feel her eyes on him and a large part of him wished he could go back in time about ten minutes and not do this. He squashed those feelings down. He'd faced armies of Separatist droids when he was little more than a kid, why was it so much harder to face one woman he was in love with and tell her how he felt?

Hera reached a hand out and touched his arm. "What is it Kanan, what do you need to say?"

A rush of warmth flushed through Kanan at her touch. He took another breath and looked at her. "Hera, I've got something to tell you. I've been thinking about it for a few days now and, well, I think I need to just get it out in the open."

Hera looked a little alarmed. "I know something's been on your mind."

Kanan ran his hand into his hair, this time successfully as he wore it loose for sleeping, and forged on with his confession. "You and me, we've been together on _Ghost_ for a while now." He cleared his throat. Why was he stating the obvious?

Hera nodded. "Yes we have, we're a great team." She seemed to be a little more concerned than Kanan thought she would be.

"Yeah," said Kanan, suddenly conscious of how close Hera was to him. "We've been working together for some time, but I think maybe things have changed a little, maybe we should do something different."

Hera's eyes grew big and the hand on Kanan's arm tightened. "What are you saying, Kanan?"

Kanan was surprised by her reaction. Did she want him to not say what he had planned on saying? Was this a mistake? Had she known about his feelings and was just ignoring them as a sign that she wasn't interested? He swallowed. "Well, I guess what I'm saying is that I-" Kanan rethought what he'd been about to say. Maybe saying he loved her right off the bat was a bad idea. He'd definitely heard somewhere that you shouldn't say _I love you_ too soon.

Hera looked worried. "Kanan, are you trying to tell me you're leaving?"

Kanan was taken off guard. "What? No. I'm trying to tell you I love you." There it was, he'd gone and said it anyway.

"You love me?" It was Hera's turn for a question. She seemed completely unprepared for that statement.

Kanan gulped. He must have said the wrong thing. He couldn't backpedal now. "Yeah," he said, lamely.

Hera's eyes were big for a long second before a smile started to break across her face. "So, you're not leaving? You want to stay?"

Kanan was lost. "Why did you think I was leaving?"

Hera squeezed him arm. "You've been acting kind of weird ever since we were working on the wiring in the cockpit. I was afraid that something I said reminded you that you'd been here a while and you had started thinking about moving on."

Kanan looked away from her. "Well, I do think about that sometimes, but it wasn't anything you said in that conversation."

"You want to leave?" Hera leaned closer, looking at him intensely.

"No," said Kanan, "well, not most of the time," he amended. He looked back at her. "I've been adrift in the galaxy since I was fourteen years old, I don't really know what else to do with my life besides keep moving."

Hera sat back a little, thinking. "I understand," she said at last. She rubbed her hand up and down his arm in a comforting way. "But I want you to know that you have a home here. No matter what, you are part of the crew of _Ghost_ and you will always belong with us."

That strange fluttering sensation filled Kanan again. Her words were at once some of the most beautiful and most terrifying words he'd ever heard. "You really think that?"

"I do, that's why I was so worried you wanted to leave." Hera gave his arm another gentle squeeze.

Kanan sighed. "I guess that's part of the problem." He searched for the words that had so easily been flying around his head just moments ago when he was laying on his bunk. "If I stay here, make this place my home, then I'm stuck here. I can't leave. I'm not safe." The last three words sort of fell out of his mouth before he could stop them. His eyes darted away from Hera's face. Along with the burning embarrassment he was feeling, a rush of shame was added. He was afraid. He wasn't supposed to be afraid.

Hera scooted closer to him, their knees practically touching. "Kanan, I want you to look me in the eye."

Kanan looked back at her. Her green eyes beautiful and almost luminous in the shadowy room.

Hera put her hand to Kanan's face, it was gentle and comforting, but there was a strength behind it. "You are safe here. You always will be. This is your home. I won't let anything happen to you, not on my watch."

Kanan gave her a small smile. He actually believed her. He knew, deep down, that he could trust her like he hadn't trusted anyone in years. The thought of being stuck here was seeming less and less bad every second.

"And me loving you isn't going to ruin us, ruin our friendship? It won't ruin what we've already got?"

Hera shook her head. "Not a chance."

Some of the tension that had been gripping Kanan dissipated. He wanted to lean into Hera's hand. To be held in her arms, but something was holding him back. There was that other thing that was bothering him. "There's something else," he said, he had to get it all out now. There was no turning back.

"Tell me," said Hera. Her thumb brushed over his cheek affectionately.

Kanan chose his next words carefully. He didn't want to give away too much, not yet. "I was raised different than most people." That was an understatement. "I was raised thinking that I'd never have a relationship with anyone. I was told that falling in love was something I should avoid." When he said it without the context of the Order it really did sound weird.

"And do you still think that?" Hera's voice contained a hint of worry again.

"Not really." Kanan studied Hera's face. He couldn't imagine anyone being more beautiful than she was right now. "I don't live like I was raised anymore, I haven't in a long time. But a part of me still feels like I'm betraying my past by falling in love with you." It felt a little odd how many times he'd used the word love in this conversation. So much for playing it cool.

"Kanan, I'm not going to push you to do something you're not comfortable with." Hera dropped her hand from his face to take one of his hands and give it a little squeeze. "And if you think the best way you can honor your past is by not acting on your feelings, then I will accept that." Hera took her own deep breath and for the first time Kanan realized that she was also nervous about this conversation. It was Hera's turn to look away. "But if you want to give this a try – give us a try – then you should know that," here she stopped she didn't seem quite prepared to continue. "Kanan, I wouldn't normally say this so soon, but," she took another breath, "I love you, too."

Kanan had never had anyone say those words to him before. He was simultaneously filled with elation and uncertainty. He had no road map to navigate this.

"I want you to stay with me," Hera continued, looking back at him. "No matter what you choose you're a part of my life and I want you to stay in it. You, me and Chopper, we're a little family now."

Feeling silly, but earnest at the same time, Kanan put his other hand on Hera's and held it. "I don't know what I'm doing with any of this. It's all new to me. I'm still worried that I'm doing something wrong. That this will all go sideways. But," Kanan leaned forward so that he could see Hera better. He had an overwhelming desire to be as close to her as possible. "I want to give it a try." Kanan's eyes traced over the features of her face, the embarrassment he'd felt earlier was starting to recede into a warm glow. "My past is complicated," another massive understatement, "I'm never sure how much I should ignore what I was taught or how much I should follow it. The path forward from my childhood has been hard to find and I've made a lot of mistakes. I don't know if I'll be any good for you."

Hera put her other hand on top of Kanan's. She rubbed the back of his hand and leaned close. "You are a good man, Kanan Jarrus. If we keep talking like we are now, then we can solve any problem. We can figure this out together. We can do this."

"You really think so?" It had been a long time since Kanan had hoped as much as he did right now. For the first time since he was very young he had hope for a future. Loving Hera meant a whole new beginning, a new way of life he never could have imagined before. This was a first step of a journey into an undiscovered country where he didn't know how to live. But, somewhere along the way in this conversation, he'd stopped being afraid of what that meant. He was excited by the prospect of this new adventure.

Hera beamed. Her smile warmed him all over. "I really do." Then, leaning even closer, she pressed her lips to his. Their hands still tangled together, their futures intertwined.


End file.
